Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
