Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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