I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
