My girlfriend figured out who you are.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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