I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
