Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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