Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
