for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
