my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
