She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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