I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
