thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
