Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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