He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There are leaves in my underwear?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
