just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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