You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
