party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he shaved USA in his pubs
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
