but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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