you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
