I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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