you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
