never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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