he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize