dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
