Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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