having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
