think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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