LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
