I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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