That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
