After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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