This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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