I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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