I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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