I hate your face
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
