so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
