So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
