so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
