When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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