Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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