We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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