Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just found puke in my bra..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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