My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize