My room smells like vodka and shame
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
