I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
false alarm. still invincible.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
