She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
