Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
