Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
