Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
