John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
