i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
