Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
