I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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