My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
