Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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