sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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