Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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