i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Randomize