saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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