tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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