i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
