She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
