I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
