well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
