1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
