She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
