The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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