Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
