i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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