I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
