There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
